Looking Back

Here I am on March the 10th , in the year of 2015 feeling somewhat grounded.  A place I fight for.  A place I don’t visit often, a place that I am decidedly trying to make my home

He ever so randomly announced to all of his Facebook followers that he is now, currently, newly, in a relationship. 

When I first saw it I thought about how two months ago every other statement out of his mouth was, “I am just not ready for something serious.  I just got out of a five year relationship.” (Let’s keep this casual)  So I honored that.

It leaves me thinking what did this girl do that I didn’t?  How did she turn the “I’m just not ready” into “I am ready right now”?

I wonder what she is like? Authoritative and demanding, or maybe she is sweet and docile?  Makes me think, but doesn’t keep me up at night. 

In all honesty his mind left me wanting more.   I look back, but not wanting to go back.   I suppose I miss a body to sleep next to.  Someone to laugh at my jokes and tell me I am pretty, brilliant, and hilarious.  Those statements are very telling of my heart.

I guess I wanted to matter to him.  I wanted him to miss me when I wasn’t there.  I didn’t want to be casual, cheap, replaceable, light, fading, thin, or sparse.

But I matter to myself, and I remind my heart that my worth isn't tied to the whims or choices of another.

And just for today that is enough.