Fate. I don’t really believe in it. I believe in choices and focus. Whatever that may be. My focus is on gratitude. And peace. And living. Really, really living.
I can’t seem to just plant. I moved to England to work with my then boyfriend and when that inevitably failed, I traveled Europe for a few weeks. Moved to Chicago to live with my brother, but cost of living wasn’t realistic for where I was. Came to Tampa to live with my other brother and truly thought this was where I’d be for at least a year or two, but life keeps happening and I keep moving. I’m about to leave again. Across the country. Again. It’ll be four times in five months, eight times in two years. At this point, I’m not even surprised. I’m so accustomed to my noncommittal tendencies that it just feels normal.
Except this time feels different.
My life is blossoming in ways I never thought it would. I feel it in my bones. It feels like this past year and half was so hard on so many different levels that I thought I was losing it. I felt out of control of everything—my choices, family, tragedy, aspirations—my whole life just flat spinning out of the sky with me unable to grab hold of anything to stabilize it, meanwhile panicking silently, spread too thin. It was like holding sand. I’d never felt that alone and empty and honestly scared that this was my reality and future.
But I made choices that changed everything. Choices I knew I had to make, but was too scared to commit to. I walked away from toxicity and I learned so much about myself in four short months. I embraced the love I have for life and the passion that keeps me going. I opened up to letting go of everything that I thought would eventually destroy me, and that’s when the universe gave back.
Experience after experience, encounter after encounter. I’ve met amazing people with substance and depth. I’ve had conversation that triggered inspiration that I haven’t had in years. I’m overflowing with gratitude for this 180-degree change. It’s the best kind of jolting whiplash. In the face of yet another change, another state, I can’t help, but be completely ecstatic. It feels like peace. And that’s when I realized that I was supposed to come here and embrace these connections, all different, all vital. It wasn’t fate, but a direct correlation of the energy that I have made conscious efforts to emit. I didn’t know just how beautiful life can be when you’re ready to receive it.